A long-term relationship of mine recently ended. Boo-hoo for me, right? Wrong! Look at it this way; I was an asshole so that you don't have to be. Now that I've got this list-based guide right here for you, you have no reason to screw up! Make sure you don't.

Do you think that she might be messing around with someone behind your back? If so, keep your mouth shut about it. If you think it's happening, nothing is happening. 

If you still think it's happening, get some proof. If you've got proof that 3 other sane people would consider proof of her messing around, then bring it up. If you have no proof, then keep your thoughts to yourself. Shut your mouth. Shut it now and keep it shut. Everything will be fine if you keep your mouth shut. There will be sex. Just shut up.

Do you think that she is too good to be dating you? Is she currently dating and spending time with you? If you answered 'yes' to those questions, keep it to yourself. If she says you're worthy, then you're worthy. End of story. Keep it to yourself. Everything that you want to happen will happen if you shut your face and let it. It will all happen and all you need to do is let it. 

Don't tell her that she's too good for you. Don't tell her anything. Shut up. Shut your god damn mouth for one second and it'll all be fine. Don't say a word. Now smile. Good. Keep it up. There will be sex.

Related: Do’s and Do-not’s of follow up texting for a date

There doesn't always need to be conversation. An hour of silence doesn't mean that it's over. Quiet down and enjoy the silence. She isn't mad or upset, she's just quiet. Let her be quiet, shut up, don't say a thing and certainly don't say what you're currently thinking. Keep it to yourself. Stay quiet for a few minutes. Not everything needs to be conversation. Let it happen the way it's happening. It's okay. Relax. Shut up and it'll work out.

She wants to have sex with you. Shut the fuck up. Just quiet down and don't say anything stupid. Don't say anything at all. Smile and nod. Have a cuddle. Anything. Just don't say anything that's more than two words long. Don't even say that. Don't say anything. Quiet down and it'll happen. There will be sex, if you let it.

Don't complain about not having sex. The more you complain, the longer it'll take to happen. Shut the fuck up and it'll happen. She wants it to happen. Let it happen by shutting up. Not one word.

Do you think that she doesn't like you? If she's in a relationship and spending lots of time with you, she does. Unless she says that she doesn't, she does. Relax. Don't say anything about this to her. Don't say a thing. Everything will be okay if you don't talk about it. She wants to be with you. End of discussion. Just don't say anything about it and let everything happen. There will be sex. Just let it happen.

Related: Don't be a Nice Guy™