Stoski’s Ultimate Movies Rating Guide is usually a family affair. We have you in our home, have some laughs, maybe a board game, and we tell you about the latest movies worth seeing. This time though, we have something different. Something uglier. Movies that you absolutely should not see. Sure, we blew the lid on weak movies in the past but that was a mix of good and bad.

Today, expect nothing but bad. A slog of absolutely horrendous movies that are an absolutely terrible waste of time. Don’t bother.

Goldeneye (1995)

Classic Bond: Cool gadgets, spicy world affairs, scandalous exploits, a freggin tank - the works! Too bad about 60 minutes of the film’s 130 minute runtime is devoted to lousy bullshit that’s barely connected to the anything. The parts that are good are good but getting to them is an absolute slog.

Bond chases a suspect through Moscow in a tank? Cool! We see the villains working toward their master plan and get a better look at their hidden mountain base? Cool! Bond spies/kills his way through said villain base? Cool! Bond and Natalya “honeymooning” on some beach in the middle of the mission? Bond swimming in an indoor pool on his own? Less… cool.

This movie could have been half as long and twice as cool. Cut some of the scenes in half, drop others all together, punch the dialogue up a bit, more Russians, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll have yourself a serviceable movie. There are some cool scenes, sure, but the movie as a whole is disjointed mess of bad ideas and worse pacing. It has a good story to tell but continually gets distracted. Maybe someone with a lot of time on their hands can create a shorter cut of this movie that’s actually worth seeing. Until then, unless you put absolutely no value on your time at all (or you intend to make that cut in which case call me) don’t bother.

2/5

Borat Subsequent Moviefilm (2020)

I’m automatically suspicious of anything baring the name of our future ruler, Amazon, but this movie really sells itself as as sequel to the 2006 hit-but-why film Borat. Let’s start with the obvious, yes? Borat is a filthy foreigner. He speaks funny and has a strange way of looking at things. Does this make for an interesting short-term distraction? Sure. Can it be counted on to fill the length of a feature film? Unfortunately not.

Both the first and second Borat films have plots. The problem here is that they have less than one movies worth of plot each. Far less. Both movies run dry about half way through, and rely on cheap gags or sheer shock value to bring them to the finish line. It’s more worthy of a hastily-made YouTube video than a professional product that had actual time, talent, and budget behind it. Apologists will attempt to elevate this movie by citing all of the “real people” that Borat interacts with. I disagree. A movie should be more than shock value, gags, and random interviews with unentertaining people. I don’t care that they “didn’t know they were being filmed for the movie and so their reactions are authentic”. These people were expressionless and added nothing! Sacha Baron Cohen might as well have been talking to cardboard cutouts! Hire some damn actors!

With all these criticisms, there is still some credit due; the pacing. GoldenEye was a jumbled mess - incredibly cool one minute and mind-numbingly boring the next. Borat put almost all of it’s interesting and/or entertaining scenes in the first half of the movie, so at least it respects your time enough to put the weakest scenes in the second half. Watch it for about an hour and then shut it off and do something else. Same with the first movie. You’ll see all there is to see.