Remember your favorite childhood movies? Well sometimes they’re actually turds. Children don’t know what’s good, which is understandable. They’re just children, after all. Stoski’s Ultimate Movies Rating Guide will show you the way.

Mortal Kombat (2021)

Mortal combat is another nail in the “who cares about film critics?” coffin. Look at the critics’ opinions of this movie on sites like Rotten Tomatoes or Metacritic, and you’ll see a vast chasm between what the moviegoing public think of it, and what critics think. Hell, look at the critics’ opinions on the globetrotting World War Z, or the seat-of-your-pants White House Down. Critics reactions: Bad movies. Real audience reactions: Worth watching. What’s happening here? Why does the opinion of some stuffy pretentious snob matter to someone who just wants to have a good time?

Oh geez, I’m sorry that the movie didn’t pay homage to some dusty movie from the 20s that overly-serious “cinema buffs” know or care about, that somehow showed us the greatest example of a car chase that ever was or will be captured to film, but when you actually watch it it’s a single 1928 Oldsmobile rolling in front the camera at 2mph in a single 48 second stationary shot that no doubt blew people’s minds back then but no-one today wants to see - except maybe someone who cares more about noticing obscure references and “impressing” their friends than they do actually watching an enjoyable movie!

Don’t get bogged down in what critics think. Who says they know better than you or me anyway? I see a trailer or read a description, I watch the movie, and I make up my own mind. If it isn’t interesting to me in the first 20 minutes then I switch it off because a movie’s tone, plot, pacing, and so on, is usually set by that point. I’m a busy guy! Who has time to sit through unenjoyable movies? Forget the critics. Watch whatever looks interesting to you, and above all, watch this movie.

3/5

Memento (2000)

Memento begins at the end of the movie and works backwards, and it isn’t until the end of the movie that we finally see the beginning. This isn’t really a typical way for a movie to behave, but they make it work very well. You’ll also see Trinity from The Matrix and Captain Howard from Bad Boys. It’s always fun to see a familiar face, isn’t it?

It isn’t easy writing about a movie that requires the viewer to go in almost blind in order to enjoy it. Leonard suffers from anterograde amnesia, a condition which, plainly put, causes the patient to be unable to create new memories. Old memories are retained, as opposed to retrograde amnesia, a condition wherein old memories are lost but new ones can be formed. He “remembers” things by a combination of making notes and taking photographs of things of note, all to help him on his “mission” of finding the man responsible for killing his wife. It’s all a rich tapestry of relationships, deceit, clues, and intuition.

The movie brings up one question above all else, however: If Leonard suffers from anterograde amnesia, how does he know to continue living his life? Forget the fact that he continually tells people about his condition (an impossibility, since that he has this condition would be a new memory that he cannot retain), but how does he know to even continue living his life? Notes and photos create a small idea of the past, yes, but is it really enough to compel Leonard to keep moving and seeing (what are to him) new people and new things? It’s all very confusing.

While I’m yet to watch for a second time, but the first viewing was certainly a good experience. Whether it’s as good the second time around remains to be seen, but it does deserve a first viewing.

3.5/5

Fergully: The Last Rainforest (2000)

Where to begin. First off, this movie is a retroactive ripoff of Jame Cameron’s Avatar, but if you think you’ll like this movie because you liked Avatar, prepare to be disappointed. Avatar is a beautiful world with characters and wonder, a badass corporate antagonist, non-verbal exposition, sci-fi backstory, action setpieces, and is generally an enjoyable watch. Fergully, on the other hand, features none of those things.

The colour pallet is dreary and depressing, like that room in your grandmother’s house that somehow never gets any direct light at any time of the day, but you can comfortably see your way around without turning a lamp on. It’s just not a fun room to be in, just like this movie is not fun to watch. Oh, but it doesn’t stop there. The antagonist of this movie is a single bulldozer that’s somehow been hijacked by “pollution”, portrayed by a persistent puff of smoke. The smoke talks like a villain, and wants to destroy the forest because he is evil and wants to do evil things, putting him on the very bottom rung of the villain tier list.

That’s not all! While Avatar shows us and tells us of a world beyond simply what we see, here, nothing exists beyond Ferngully. The forest is in danger and that’s what matters! Who is trying to destroy the forest? An evil… smoke… god. Why does it matter? Because! It would be easier to care about these characters or their forest if they were at least somewhat memorable or likable, but once again, Ferngully falls flat. We have, uh, some fairies, a bat, and, um, assorted animals. None of them special or unique, and not one worth giving a damn about.

So we have a movie that’s depressing to look at, with a boring villain, generic characters, and a bland, static setting. Tell me what there is to like about this movie again? Pass.